She stood inside a glass building
covered by a black sky
and screamed a year's frustrations
at the top of her lungs
so loud the glass cracked
and the walls shattered
decending like shards of rain
Noise continued uninterrupted
while the sun emerged
and caught the edges of falling peices
all lit up at different times
She closes her eyes
and listens for the last peice to fall
stinging from glass and echoing lasts
longer than the scream
but the noise eventually whispers
and she re-opens her eyes
In one piece, still
Time steps around her
Playback and rewind her
yet light continues to catch
broken edges of a grounded mess
And glimmers of hope shine
like diamonds in a mine
Posted at 2:21 pm by j underground
I am really going to have to start re-thinking my job. I sit too much, it's stressful, and well, I feel like I am waisting my time there.
I was sick to my stomach last night and I am not sure if it was a bad box of Vector cereal, or whether it was an anxiety attack. I had a productive day yesterday too- Paid off one of my student loans, researched new computers, washed the car, etc. so I wonder if I just have a bug of some sort. I hate the fact that it's Sunday and I really feel too tired to begin another week at the office.
I have been obsessed lately with paying off my debts because financial troubles are so stressful. Money isn't everything but it is choices and without it people will always be chasing you for it.
It is becoming more and more apparent to me that I am most comfortable alone. At the same time, I am lonely, so it's not the best situation. A co-worker wants to set me up with someone and the thought scares me to death. At the same time maybe it would be fun, but I am not ready to find out yet.
Posted at 11:58 am by j underground
My skin was perfectly clear and mark free for about 2 months. And tonight I started picking at my scars again. And now I am back to covering up what I did. I don't know why I make myself bleed. Each time I heal I tell myself I will never start again. And I did today.
This writing just to write is a little too linear for me. If I was smart, I would make up another life.
Posted at 4:34 pm by j underground
Today was busy at work. When I feel like I am accomplishing things, the day moves....
Stressful family issues have festered again. Part of me is relieved when things are actually out of place because it makes me feel like my feelings are justified. I know it sounds strange....I would much rather have things go right.
I saw grammy-award winning, singer-songwriter Shawn Colvin on Oprah today. She was revealing to the world that she has suffered from depression and anxiety her entire life. I literally saw my story in hers. I was relieved that she was so successful in her musical career. I think people's afflictions make them who they are. One thing she said really stuck out....She said she refused medication for many years because she felt it would alter the creative side of her.....Society is so quick to sell life-altering fixes in retail products and drugs. I do believe however, that anti-depressants are necessary in certain cases. I just find it hard to apply this to myself...but watching Ms. Colvin, I realized, it's actually some sort of victory to give in to help.
Posted at 7:23 pm by j underground
It is possible to miss what you never had.
It is possible to feel far removed from where you have been and where you are going. Fear will always leave you standing in the middle.
It is not easy to break the cycle of circling around your own life. I used to find comfort in the fact that I had time to fufill things. Now I know that time is a fleeting thing....It is also an irrelevant thing if you are not ready for it. The truth is, in life we will never be ready. Even the things we think we want can throw us off when we are faced with them. Resistance is magnetic. You will be given what you need whether it's good or bad. Openess and happiness is magnetic as well.
We think we have an idea of who we want to love for example....thinking and feeling are polar opposites. I don't have a clue at this point. Perhaps it is because I haven't fufilled what I am meant to do alone. I know lots of people who plan out their marriages before they meet people. I know others who resist closeness and then when it happens, they are shocked and they question it. Then there are situations that seem like they shouldn't work, but somehow they do.
We are told all the time what to expect, what's the best thing to wish for, how to react when good and bad things happen....all this advice.....
I have come to understand that dreams should control you....not the other way around. Sometimes I wish I could give my dreams to someone stronger to carry them out. But the truth is, there is one way to do things...your own way.
I suppose we won't experiance a thing if we remain in the middle. I know that place for a fact. The middle will turn 4 years into 4 minutes. The middle will age you before time will. The middle is not a safe place at all.
I want the experiance on either side. I fear experiance but I know I need it. I want others to feel the experiance. I have come to understand that thinking about life will replace living it. It is human nature to resist what we cannot control. The best things in life just happen.
Posted at 5:44 pm by j underground
I woke up happy yesterday. My best friend came up to visit and I felt like I was a part of something outside of my mind again.
She talked about her "pretend boyfriend" as she likes to call him, but he's real if you count the fact that he's breathing, paying for diner, and walking around her hometown :) When she talks about him, her eyes light up and she has this permanet grin on her face...Just like the movies.... :) I've never seen her like this....but the situation is complicated....He is unable to commit for reasons that are well, pre-determined....So, the concept of a happy future for her, well...it's really just a concept. She is aware that the relationship should not go anywhere....but feeling and logic will fight each other forever...I wish I had some good advice, but hell...it's not so cut and dry when emotions are involved. Anyway, for now it is companionship for her none the less. As long as they both can keep it there. There is a reason we attract certain people into our lives.
I wish logic could control our feelings sometimes.
We walked through malls yesterday. I don't know what it is about malls, but after about an hour an a half, I stop looking at merchandise and just listlessly float through isles. I can only focus for so long in malls....especially when Christmas music is playing. Christmas shopping brings out the worst in people....Ah, the gifts of giving...ironic, isn't it?
Despite high anxiety, I drove yesterday. Driving is something I try to avoid but I had to show my friend that I was able to be somewhat normal. She told me I didn't seem anxious. I was. But, the point is I drove. "The more you do things you dislike, the more natural they become"....I wish that was true for me. I always feel like I am starting over.
Posted at 10:22 am by j underground
I hate this feeling of having nothing to write or talk about. It's probably because it's not true. There's always something to say isn't there?
I have always been able to make something out of nothing.
Work today was frusterating. I have a great boss but she is so busy it makes me feel busy when I am not. I am supposed to be her assistant and yet she doesn't have time to meet with me or get back to me, unless I follow her around. I loathe following people around and waiting for answers. It makes me feel like a highschool intern. I guess I can take comfort in the fact that a lot of people at work are complaining about my boss's inaccessibility. I have talked to her about this, and every time she apologizes and tells me it is her fault...ok, fine. So how do we fix it? Still getting to that. Next meeting.
I am supposed to go with her to Toronto tomorrow for some radio co-op meeting with GTA franchise owners. My boss said it won't be fun. I'll be the judge of that. I must try my best not to look like a tourist. I avoid going out a lot, so when I finally go somewhere, it feels new all the time. So yeah, I am really nervous about going, but like always I will realize it was easier than I made it out to be.
I feel guilty for telling my best friend about my recent downward phase. I suppose it's because I hate complaining and I know she has other things to think about. She tells me all the time that I don't complain, and that she doesn't mind listening but I know it bothers her. I hope I can reciprocate her worth someday.
My sister and brother were both up this weekend. It was a quiet weekend. They both came up with work to do, so I was as present as I could be.
I miss songwriting and I should force myself to get back to it. I think as soon as I start writing music again, I will feel more alive.
Make time for what heals you.
Posted at 7:17 pm by j underground
It never occured to me that I would be starting over completely. Sure, things end and begin all the time, but I have recently come to realize that the life I am living right now must be replaced with the life I want to live.
It's all so simple in words. Things we "see" are simple. Things we "feel" are so complicated that they can change what we see and affect what we do.
I have been dealing with anxiety my entire life. There are common misconceptions about anxiety. I can't say I understand it myself, but I do know that it is not healthy to be afraid all the time. I always thought it was normal to feel nervous and hesitant because I always have. Sure, it's normal to get over-excited and nervous at times. It's a natural, necessary response in some cases. Sure, like everyone else, I have had things happen in my life that are somewhat traumatic but I do not want those things to stay in my future....You either retreat or move on. I have a choice as to what I want to focus on. When fear controls every aspect of your life, from just waking up to going to bed at night, well you start to wonder why everyone makes breathing look so easy.
These last few years have shown me that my anxiety has grown with me....And sometimes it seems bigger than me....and in those times, I can feel it slowly ruining me. When I was younger my anxiety was just an imaginary friend who would let me down occasionally. I am finding now that it is affecting the way I interact with people; it is affecting where I go and what I do; it is affecting my job; and most profoundly, it is affecting my creativity and my desire to fufill dreams.
It sounds so melodramatic. Fear isn't real....but it feels real....and it makes you wait. It truely is a shame to run from what you want because you get further and further away from what you need.... and who you are.
So what causes my anxiety? Right now, I am not sure. It comes out of nowhere at times. I am a creative thinker and sometimes my creativity turns morbid. If I had a stalker, I would feel relieved at times because it would justify the way I feel at times. Of course, I don't want a stalker :) The truth is, the way you feel is all based on what you tell yourself to feel.
I want to suceed. I am an optimist. I like to fix things for everybody but I am having trouble fixing myself. So, it begins with talking...and writing. I was told that if I write down my thoughts as often as possible, it would help in this process of re-discovery.
And so it begins....
Posted at 12:14 pm by j underground